Ice cream and cigarettes.

Here's another year coming to a halt and here I am doing a recap!

A whirlwind of events, a whirlwind of emotions as well. This year changed me in so many ways! Both beautiful and drastic changes in nature. Changes that built me up and broke me up (in several pieces), but there's more that built me up. I'm a tougher kid now! And I should also stop calling myself a kid, since I turned twenty this year.

Of all the changes, two things stayed constant: the Monster called regret and the Angel called hope which practically saved my sanity throughout the year. It's as if I constantly had a monster eating me up for everything that I've done when I shouldn't have and everything that I've not done when I should have (I got more of the latter by the way). But, I--like all beings--had to cling to hope, because that's what keeps us going.

On with the recap!


End of college

The Monster: Ending it with more enemies and "frienenemies" than real friends and acquaintances. 
The Angel: I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE FEW FRIENDS! AT LEAST THEY'RE ALL GENUINE! AND I GRADUATED ON TIME!!
The best part of the year, I must say. Making my parents proud because that's what I'm supposed to do. I live for my family and I love making them happy. And although Psychology was not the course that I initially wanted, I loved it anyway and I finished it within 4 years, no extra semesters for me!

The job

The Monster: Not allowing myself to rest up.
The Angel: I have a job by the age of nineteen, just a week after graduation. So I did not have to stay home, all stagnant, with my parents still having to feed me and take care of everything I need.
I may have been tired at that time, but I couldn't be more thankful! And I love the people I work with anyway! So, there! 

First tattoo

The monster and the angel were not present.
I infuriated my dad but he can't do anything about it and he still loves me anyway.

The break-up

The Monster: Hoping it worked out and not saying the things I wanted to say.
The Angel: Knowing that, if I tried to keep the relationship going, it could have gone just worse. Saying those things could have made it worse especially because of his case (which is being bipolar--leaning towards the depressive side). Also, faking an orgasm is easy, but faking the entire relationship is difficult. (But I never fake orgasms lmao) I made myself believe that love is naturally that difficult when it really should not be. I could not have loved him any more or any less though, that I'm sure of. No regrets now!

Brother being an OSY (or is it "OoSY"? idk) and sister suddenly not talking to me (and to anyone else other than Oprah, our dog)

The Monster: Guilt is the monster this time. I could have known earlier! I could have helped him, we could have talked it through. OSY/Oosy means Out of School Youth by the way. And idrk what happened to my sister, she just stopped talking/reaching out to everyone of us.
The Angel: Hoping he'd find out the ~answers~ for himself. And hoping he'll go back to school next school year~
I also hope my sister would go talk to me again, I miss her. :(

Favorite kuya cousin's death

The Monster: Not saying the things I wanted to say (I'll forever carry this one), did not even get to hug him for reals~ the closest I got to hugging him was hugging his casket as I tried not to cry.
The Angel: He's in the Highest high that he can get! And it's just peaceful and pretty there. And for all the things I missed to say, he can hear me from above anyway. So sometimes, before I sleep I tell him that I love him, that I wish I tried to warn him off the things he did, that I love him despite the things he had done and the decisions he had made, that at some point I did not want to see him or talk to him. I miss having someone threaten my boyfriend or any guy that would--could--hurt me. I want to see him and talk to him and drink and smoke with him again. Exchange a hug with him even. I want to do all those so badly but I can't. But he can hear me from above and it doesn't matter anymore.

Cyrish Magalang's death

The Monster: We went to the same school in high school and I did not even have the chance to know what a beautiful person she was until she was gone. But the real monster here, is drugs and drug lords.

Here's a photo of us in HS. We were in the same team during team building.

The Angel: She's free from all the bullcrap in this earth. It's just that her family is missing her so much and the way that she died was brutal, heartless, inhumane. She was just about to start a life of her own, just as young as I am, then some crystal meth addicted tricycle drivers robbed her life away from her. Praying for you as much as I could, Cyrish. 

Letting go
I had a really difficult time doing this. Easier said than done. Always.

Everything just piled up: break-up in August, brother's OSY status in August as well, death in September, another death last October. I'd have fits even at the office. There was this one time when I almost cried right after I interviewed someone because he was so much like my brother. I also became really paranoid, that I felt like I was the one going to die next. Can't even believe myself right now! And then I'd cry myself to sleep (aww) because I would think about all the bullshit lingering in my life, and think of all the shit I failed to do, and I was about to give up but thank the Highest Being for good friends. Genuine, good friends who helped me crawl back to my bubbly, gauche self.

Starting all over again
Life came back late November. I was heaps better in a snap. Odd. Very odd, but at least I got through it all. I was an emotional and psychological wreck. No, not a physical wreck because I'm sexy and I know it and I'm beautiful and don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful (lol it's 4:41AM as I write.. type this, pardon my humor)

I also surprised myself as I got over D in just, well... more or less three months. Very fast since I'm not the type who recovers easily from break-ups. Just had difficulty with the deaths but always think that once people die, they're free in every sense. Free and at peace.

And then there's Jay, who is so wonderful and beautiful that I don't think I deserve him, but I guess and hope that I do since the universe gave him to me! And I hope the universe would not conspire against me again, I hope this that he's someone I truly deserve (and that I am someone he deserves) and that he would be my last love.

The year has been a whirlwind of events and emotions. A whirlwind, not just a roller coaster. That fast, that complicated, unmanageable, and uncontrollable.

What do I want for next year? A lot! More money! More food! I want (and I'll work for it) a great relationship with Jay, just loving and staying in love and happy and all those cheesy stuff. I also want to find
my faith in a religion this coming year too. Take note, faith in a religion, my faith has always been up but my faith in a specific religion has gone done the drain a few years ago. In fact, I have not confessed in 3 or 4 years already.
In general, I hope that time and space and the universe would not fuck me up as bad as it did to me in 2012. All hopes up for a better year! I wish the same to all of you as well!